duh-soundscapes-7

*Metal copper sheet in motion*

Meera Shakti: Sensorial Cruising by Buitumelo KM and Veronica A* Amon. Who are both part of the collective Black Fly Zine. This work is part of the , which is a project ideated by me, Meera Shakti Osborne. You will also hear me throughout this audio work. Sensorial cruising is an exploration of the senses. It's sexy and weird, and explores desire in ways that have opened up my understanding of what it means to be turned on 

*Metal copper sheet in motion*

Bui: With something like this where the brief was so broad, why wouldn't we use our imaginations to keep expanding on ideas of, on our ideas of what systems of care look like. Cuz I think that's what I value the most. That's what I'm trying to keep alligned in my life like. There's a podcast that I listen to all the time who always talks about how this time right now is about making sure that your values are aligned with your actions. And I think that's really hard to do at the moment when it feels like… some actions are boring, some actions, you know, make me feel tired. But an opportunity like this! I'm like, I get to stretch my imagination, which is the biggest gift I think I have to give. We're creating context for ourselves. That's something that's, throughout this project that's been coming back to me, it's like everything that I'm doing right now creatively is creating context for the people I love, the people I'm in community with, because a lot of the time, those people, the systems that exist already, they aren't for us.

Bui: So this might be completely abstract to somebody who I want to listen to it, but ultimately, the fact that they'll have it to listen to for me is like, okay, that's enough. Just being able to hear… fluid expression, questions and thought exercises that kind of take you out of yourself, and... this is a bit weird to say, but like, not weird, but like kind of it feels like… I'm shy! But like people always tell me that I have a really soothing voice. I don't, I've never thought it, but like, I think I'm starting to understand it now.

Bui: And I think that side of it, just being able to gain confidence in sharing my voice, my imagination, a neutral version of my ego out with the world. It's like it's for anyone - who doesn't know me, knows me, wants to hear something a bit weird, but also very like grounded in care and support.

*Metal copper sheet in motion*

*Music* (Lady Saw - Heels On)

Come and meet me my front door tonight, tonight. 

Let me take you on a love tour tonight, tonight.

*giggles*

Let us tear off the damn floor tonight, tonight. I wanna give it to you hardcore tonight, tonight.

Let me fuck you with my heals on, yeah

Let me ride on your ding dong I've been waiting for you so long

Take me to the swing song Let's fuck to a slow song

I got a lot of things to show here.

I'm gonna fuck you like I owe you.

Put this pussy on you.

I got my legs open, so0o wiiide, I wanna feel you deep inside. 

You know I got mad pride

Bui: damn!

I can see you got a hard…

Bui: yes!

*Waves Crashing*

Veea: Scratch, rip drip, tap, spank, hit, bang, tik, snap, slurp. Cities London with its chatty birds and wailing sirens. There are auditory experiences that we hate. Chaos cannot be a reason to not make. Terror cannot hold a centre feeling it, sensing is clear. Do sirens even do that anymore? Does a person yelling make you do anything other than walk away? The pleasure is slowing down now via sound through secondary source sound bites and recorded voice notes. We want to dwell in the pleasure that auditory experiences can allow. Listening is the larger percentage of communication. To write, we must read, to speak we must first listen.

*Scratch Sound*

Veea: sensorial cruisers,

Bui: sensoral cruisers,

Veea: cruising

Bui: outside

Veea: feeling

Bui: inside

Veea: loud, 

* Crunchy Munching sound*

Bui: subtle

Veea: guttural

Bui: visceral

Veea: soft 

Bui: intense

Veea: Warm

Bui: loud 

Veea: shark

Bui: birds 

Veea: giggles 🤭 

Bui: internal

*chewing, swallowing sound* 

Veea: lively

Bui: movement

Veea: Present 

Bui: aliveness

Veea: Shy

*Chewing Sound*

Bui: defensive 

Veea: shame

*Chewing Sound*

Bui: quiet. 

*Chewing Sound*

Veea: Community 

*Chewing Sound*

Bui: network.

Veea: Hmmm

Bui: Black Fly Zine 

*giggles*

Bui: An intro..

Veea: Yeah, Black Fly 

Bui: Who are we?

*giggles*

Veea: I think it's about like settling in. Who are we? Good question.

Bui: What is like, should we do the what, where, how? 

Veea: Yeah. So Black Fly Zine. 

Bui: What are we? 

Veea: We are a sexual health and wellbeing collective made up of beautiful artists, writers, thinkers, cruisers, sensorial cruisers...to be specific

Bui: yes... 

Veea: And have many forms and.. 

Bui: ..Why do we do this?

Veea: Why do we do this? because it's necessary. I think it's a calling. 

Bui: A calling...

Veea: it feels like something we've been entrusted with exploring and… putting questions to. 

Bui: We're putting our bodies sort of physically and meta-physically at the centre.

Veea: Mm-hmm. , 

Bui: the zine started out in a place where, when it came to sexual health in the UK we didn't feel seen.

Veea: Mm-hmm. and still don't, 

Bui: still don't . So we've done what we've done. How, how do we do these things? 

Veea: Through making.. 

Bui: Making. We, we host workshops. We have hosted workshops in the past. 

Veea: Sometimes we do performance art.

Bui: Yes., they all have cool names as well. The first workshop we ever did was, or when, as of 2019, was called Erotic Mapping,,, which was about mapping 

Veea: that’s an OG workshop!

Bui: what was the performance art? 

Veea: The performance art was Sensorial Cruises. 

Bui: That's the new one. That's, that's what we're doing. That's the new one that well, that's what we've adapted it being, 

Veea: What was it? Cruising Sensoria. My bad!

Bui: You would get it. Cause I was like, I actually, what, what's the word? How did the word work?

Veea: I got confused between what we are and what we were doing. 

Bui: ooof that's existential, isn't it? 

Veea: Which goes quite nicely into kind of the ways in which we work and like what influences our work, which is a lot of sci-fi, a lot of warping and bending of time, a lot of talking back and forth between descendants, ancestors, 

Bui: We repurpose text from the past. 

Veea: We repurpose text .. We explore thresholds. 

Bui: Yes.

Veea: I'd say that's us making them bigger, smaller, invisible firmly. Placing them in spaces where they may be necessary. Yeah. Black Fly has had two births or has been birthed two times

Bui: so far...

Veea: *laughter* so yeah, Bui and myself, Veea - are part of its rebirth, and very thankful to be included in that.

Bui: Boom. Yes, I like that. That's who we are. 

Bui: So Black Fly have been essentially on hiatus since the summer of 2020. I think it started off as like an official, oh, we're taking a break. But since then it's kind of evolved into its own thing where… the internet knows that we exist. But we've definitely had moments of like, do we exist, as individuals? 

Veea: Yeah.

Bui: I feel like we needed time to shed skin and..

Veea: Yeah. I think the roots have been well, we individually are roots and like Black Fly is like, this massive like Sequoia tree. 

Bui: Yes. 

Veea: And like the roots have been expanding and we've had to fill out and we've just been like really present. Really present in the sense of like, just seeing where all our lives are going individually and thereby collectively. So like I said earlier, I've not left this England since 2019, but through the collective I've now been to the Netherlands, 

Bui: traveled *laughter* 

Veea: into the US you know, like living vicariously through each other and like where we're at. And with that comes new explorations and a lot more thinking on what intimacy, sexual health and sexual wellness looks for us now because it's so different. 

Bui: That part .. We started to explore it at the start of.. cause during the pandemic, during when everyone was like locked down and indoors. We, I think that calling happened where it was like people are disengaged from themselves. . . And I think because in a lot of ways we had each other, we had this basis of like, oh, we are inside bodies and we are exploring what that means in a time where we're being told we can't be near each other. I think the time away for us may not have really felt like time away, but to be emerging again is like… these different versions of ourselves, these different artists. These different creators.

Veea: Yeah,

Bui: the time was necessary.

Veea: Absolutely. And I think in terms of, in artworks, collective works, there needs to be a lot of living in order for there to be any type of work. So I think the beautiful thing about our community is that they haven't felt, it hasn't felt like a hiatus. It's felt like time together, time to hold, time to settle in, time to shake a table. 

Bui: Mm-hmm.

Veea: you know, be a bit rattled. But with that, 

Bui: like I feel, you know, when people talk of art practice and practicing personhood, I feel like we've really taken time to do that. And it's an honor to actually have a space to do that

Veea: and for it to be respected

Bui: precisely.

Veea: I also feel like we've been held by our community in that. Being able to... 

Bui: People say that they can reach out to us. Sorry, to cut you off there, but like 

Veea: No, it's fine. People talk about Black Fly, not as us as people, but as like…as a movement!

*laughter* 

Veea: But as like,

Bui: it's a, like, it's, it's, it's an entity. It's its own thing. 

Veea: And it's really nice to like tap into other collectives doing things or other talks or other workshops, and without people maybe knowing our faces explicitly see them passing on knowledge learnt or like sharing experiences of either being told to look at Black Fly, they're like, you know, sharing that even if they haven't done that yet. Yes. Nice to see. It's a nice reminder that the work is always happening, even when you're resting. 

*Heavy Rain*

Veea: So I am Veronica A* Amon. I’m known amongst my loved ones as Veea. Born, raised, umm tended to in West London. I am a researcher, a maker with a practice centering intimacy, memory, and the flexing of time. I often get wrapped up in processes that are very rhizomatic and contemplative and continuous, have no endings, and always open to new gatherings and new ways of making 

Bui: *beep*

My name is Buitumelo. I am a… person existing in a body. I make my way in the world as a book seller and a poet, and a writer, and an avid champion of taking naps. I'm an immigrant and your favorite baby daddy, with no babies. Welcome!

*Skatting along to music: clicking sounds and making a beat with the mouth*

Bui: I'd like to realm into how this translates sensually, because I think a lot of this journey for me with this project is to archive the importance of knowing where your limits are sensually in this today period of 2022. It's, I think, if anyone asks me like, oh, what advice would you give to like a group, a large group of people. Um it would be that very, it would be like some elongated way of like, know all the different facets of your sensuality and how you are responding and attracting and pulling into the world because, yeah, you know, on a very basic level, like yes, get your rocks off. Know how to make yourself come. Know how to attract a partner for the right reasons, but also, be able to stand up for yourself, to stand up for your neighbor. I think all of these things are connected.

----

Bui: What, okay, what is your direction? What do you want out of this project? 

Veea: I think what I want out of this project is I really want to explore both being pleasured but also safely uncomfortable. Cause I think for quite a while and like till now, and people I know sit in their discomfort as a way to hopefully reach the pleasurable bits, and that's in, in the realm of a lot of things. So that could be. listening to an album, you know, and feeling like you have to listen to a song on this album that you're just not vibing with in the hopes that you'll get to one you like.

Or even during sex, you're like, mm, this is uncomfortable, but maybe it will get better and it will. Or like, you know, but like I think so often it's like absent minded. And I think while that can be the case, I would like to explore through… this sensory project, just recognizing the discomfort and being able to say it and just feeling like you have a choice to acknowledge it and then move forward with it, rather than something that's being, that just has to be done.

Cuz I think there's so much to be felt in those odd moments and it's like… I think my favorite thing. in past partnerships. Maybe this is more in realms of intimacy, has been like when it has, let's say, been uncomfortable physically, but is safe is like the giggles of like the ooh , and then you know, and be like hmmmmm you know,*laughter*  like, maybe not, not that. You know, but I like really acknowledging that together is a bit, can be funny, but it's, it makes the experience, rather than being like silently... 

Bui: like, I'm just gonna awkwardly leave. It feels this, this program is, it compelled me to, to really look at my values and what we value when it comes to these, these really intimate moments and these really vulnerable moments, because it's collective and not just like, oh, we know each other through a art collective, but it's collective like the world. Mm-hmm. , it feels like we get to sort of rubber a stamp and okayness to, to kind of being sad, but also being horny or, 

Veea: and together and duality and things changing and like… experiencing one thing, maybe expecting it to come out one way, but it coming out another. I think that's the thing with intimacy is that like, it's such a broad word and I think so often it can be made to sit in particular spaces but intimacy is so wide. 

*birds* 

Veea: Like how we're intimate with air, you know, how we're intimate with people, words… films, books, you know, feelings, fluids, you know, like intimacy is… I feel like it's, it's a, it's like a presence with the thing. Or like starting conversations with a - or having a conversational ongoing discourse with a thing, in a way that's not limited just by words and language and I think that's what I really love exploring. 

Bui: Mmm. . And you can sit in intimacy as well. Mm. I think growing up I used to think I would associate intimacy, especially with other people. Like sexual intimacy is something that needed to be done quickly and done quietly. And, you know, you couldn't be excited about… a level of intimacy you're sharing with someone. You couldn't, or it felt like you couldn't really, I don't know, dwell in that and, and like, if unless you were like, completely in love with the person or like scared of overwhelming, like, for me anyway, it would be like, oh, I'm scared of overwhelming another person because of these feelings that I'm enjoying from intimacy. Um and also being afraid that it's gonna go away. I think focusing on that intimacy leaves and it's not even in its fluidity. It's something that, 

Bui: that goes. 

Veea: Yeah. 

Meera Shakti: Which in a way is why cruising is so liberating.. Because it kind of gets rid of that going, right.. You're in control of that when you cruise.

Veea: and it's completely unapologetic, you're saying, I like you’re inviting those to be intimate who are not scared to say they want to be intimate. I think also that's another thing it's been like, intimacy has been tied to seriousness. Like something that you maybe can't have with someone you've just met and you don't plan on continue knowing . You know, it's just like, how could you, how could that be intimate? There's no background to that and it's like… I think even for myself, like I've had quite intimate relationships with people in all senses of the word with no intent, like with not knowing them, it's kind of been completely non-verbal. Completely. It's like pheromonal, .

Bui: Mm-hmm. . Yes. 

*laughter* 

Veea: You know, like it's just kind of, and there's, we've kind of spoken on that level, but in terms of me knowing their family history and their history, I don't think the same feeling of intimacy would be affected nor grow. And that doesn't mean it's not important, but it's just kind of, for myself, it's opened my mind as someone who thought that couldn't be possible and like seeing that it is, is quite, it's interesting. 

Bui: Yeah. Cruising kind of encapsulates that moment of like - we know what we're here for.

Veea: I think everyone's kind of on the same playing field.

Bui: Yeah. 

Veea: Like, and in terms of the shame thing, it's like shame's kind of not welcome there in those spaces. Like not ...

Meera Shakti: or it’s embraced. 

Veea: Yeah, it’s embraced. Exactly. And it's kind of maybe in terms of this, embrace it in a weird way, and probably not the best way to describe it, but it's kind of giving, like everyone has something on everyone, you know, like, you know, like we, we, we all know each other's secrets.

Bui: Yes. Yes.

Veea: In a way like we're protected in that way, but we're also celebrating that secret and like not judging you for it, but also like the reality of life is that I have this on you.. *laughter* which is like sadly an experience that is too common. 

Bui: Yeaah

Veea: Like outside of even the cruising, cruising spaces. But I think it's that element of control and trust. I think that's also why cruising is… in the best way, the most like human, but still to me, bizarre thing ever, but in the best ways of like, it's essentially what has been done for millions of years to some degree. Um but with the growth of like technology and stuff, it's just, that's what's making it feel bizarre. It's like you're, you're going where and doing what! You know, but like it's, no, it's no different to how I've met some of the loves of my life's with glances across from a club and touched hands and then like finally met at the end of the night. It's, it's a really interesting space. Like I think cruising does a lot to push the limits of how we limit ourselves, in regards to intimacy and pleasure and shame.

Bui: It's all exploration, isn't it? 

Veea: It is. And there's like no right way to do it. There's so many ways you can do it. There's so many experiences that come through it, and it's kind of like a commitment.

Bui: Yeah.*laughter* 

Veea: It's like the most non-committal commitment.. Like it's a culture. It's a space. . *laughter* 

Bui: I think it's a good place. It's a good place to learn about social contracts and social cues. And cuz then you wouldn't feel this shame, you wouldn't feel um this like resistance or this need to turn it into something sinister, because it's actually there's names for things people got into, like… really intense detail. The different ways we can access ourselves, our sensuality. It's, it's been there. It's in history. People will hear this and be like, oh my gosh, I've never, these things aren't happening. It's like, no, these things aren't happening in your face.

Bui: Listening and the textures of sound are left for audio files and set and soundscape artists. However, we need to adapt ways to still find pleasure in the textures of how a thing sounds. Can we allow externally perceived silences on the inside to inside, right to materializing Listening is not formulating a tone on how to respond.. Self soothing is imperative right now. Pleasure is ours to autonomously hold, bend and will to material, sound and vibration repeated, taken in, creates a bridge, especially for those known as vagabonds. The lost.

*Gushing waves*🌊 

Bui: When did you last whisper? 

When did you last scream? 

What sound turns you off? 

What sound turns you on? 

What sounds give you pleasure? 

Whose voice turns you on the most? 

Where was the last place you heard a new sound? 

Blow a raspberry. 

Whistle. 

Make a fart noise. 

What does confusion sound like without language? 

What noise do you make when you think of the person you fancy, without language?

 Scat for me

Blow us a kiss goodbye.

Bui: I think the last time I felt strongly about someone like to be like, oh my God, I really fancy, every time I'd see them and be around them, I would think of like waves. Waves and, and gushy water and um reservoirs and streams like being around them. I, I think I once described them as like a volcano, a dormant one specifically. And… I'd have these dreams and visualisations of like the sound that would be made when lava and water come together…cuz it's like a hard name, but, I dunno if you've ever heard, when people talk about like volcanic soil being very full of nutrients, and I know none of this is a sound, but like the slowness of that kind of hardening and there's sort of tshhhhh of water cooling down lava. It's a very similar tshhh, that comes from waterfalls even though there's like no sort of fire involved there. I dunno, what would sprouting sound like? Like that's what I think when I'm like, Ooh, last time someone got me going. And I really, cuz that question did come from just exploring these feelings I was carrying for someone, because I wanted to let them go. No. Rather, it felt poignant to put sounds to this relationship, to these feelings because a lot of it didn't feel real. I think that goes to like another part of whatever this could be, but I think there's that liking someone that sort of keeps you very grounded. Cause you're still thinking about earthy sounds, but it's like it almost had to be earthy sounds to remind me that no, this is a human being that's making you feel these things.

*soundscape of waves, someone swallowing or eating but also sounds like a terrestrial being moving in moist mud*

Veea: Ear contact

Bui: Ear contact. 

Veea: So do you want us to say just one word in response to that? 

Bui: No, no, no. Not one. Like, it's, it's the association part. Um these are words that tingle things in my senses and I want to see where that exploration goes with you guys. If it is one word, then sure.

Meera Shakti: I think of like downy, like furry hair. Softness. 

Veea: Ooh. It's probably just cuz it's air, but I think about like waxy, glossy feelings and sensations. 

Bui: Vent

Veea: I just think of breathing, like, * breath sound like the one in Toothpaste commercials* 

Bui: Oooh do that again.

Veea: *Breath sound*

Meera Shakti: I think of maybe it's cause it's hot in this room. But like air vents and air being pushed out.

Veea: Yeah.

Bui: That's true. 

Meera Shakti: And like dust. 

Bui: Oh god. 

Meera Shakti: And like the bits that get stuck in the vent.

Bui :oh guys! Release

Veea: I think with the release, and again, maybe this is word to Monique Todd, who does a lot of work surrounding fluids leaving, and particularly like Monique was reading, she was reading Peeing in Public - the way of like documenting memories through things being released from your body. Whether that be that's shit or piss or like, you know, and like how the remnants of that in itself is also part of the artifact. And like, the moment.

Meera Shakti: I love the idea that you can like release sweat or like you can like release fluids. And that's like a choice you are making. And it's like, yeah, I love tha…because sometimes it, it feels like something you have to hide. urrgh.. And also something that you have to do, but I like the idea of like wanting to

Veea: wanting to do it. 

Bui: The choice. Ooh!

Veea: I guess we get that also from like dancing, right? and like we were talking about Carnival. Who cares about sweat when you're in Carnival? It's almost like you expect it. If everyone, if nobody was sweating, like..

Bui: Who cares about where you go and pee? 

Veea: It's all about this moment and this movement and 

Bui: Consent is the next word.

Veea: I think it's like my idea of… what I'd want consent to feel like is, this is like been my favorite sensation for the last few years. And I always say it, the feeling of giving up on a sentence and not being expected to find it again. Like I love when I begin a sentence and then I'm just like, can't, and I just go, uuhhh,,, and then it's not like, what were you gonna say? It's just like, that's what I wish consent was like, like in the moment. If it was just kind of like an unexplainable, just… I'm done. Like a fluidity or like to give fluidly as well, like in both senses. Just sometimes it doesn't make sense why I can't finish my sentence, but here we are and it's just an acceptance of that. hahaha. You know. 

Bui: Such a great way to put it.

Meera Shakti: Not having to understand it. Just accept.

Veea: Yeah. Because I think that's another thing is when you're hit with the why,,, it's also similar to like, when you just tell someone, oh, I don't want to go. And they're like, but why? And you're like, oh, I don't really want to delve into why. I just don't want to go , you know? Um but yeah, it's complex and I think, we try sometimes really hard to fortify rules and ways to do things in order to help other people. But some, everything I think can get to a point where it kind of starts to do the opposite and it starts to feel overwhelming and less human. Not even less human, less subjective to certain experiences in certain ways it can take place. 

Bui: My next word is internal or internally.

Meera Shakti: I think about the boundaries of the body and what's the inside and the outside like, like is that my inside ? Is that my inside, or does it have to be like inside the inside?

 *laughter*

Veea: Oh, wow.

Bui: I told Veea that we have a part of our body that like closes. Like I found out when I went to osteopathy and Veea was like, what? We have seams,   *laughter*. That's really cool. I love thinking about things like that. Because even, I don't know, like, because that's on my skin, like its the inside.

Veea: That's so true. 

Bui: Oh... Oh God. Even do you know when, even when people say.... sorry, please... 

Veea: No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm still thinking,

Bui: but when people say like, oh, you're internalizing that, like, you could even ask that as like a, do you mean I'm internalizing it like this? Do you mean I'm internalizing it? Like swallowing it? Like where am I internalizing it? I love thinking about innards and insides.

Veea: I think you've just spun me you know, because now I actually dunno what's inside 

 *screeam*

Bui: exactly!!!!!!

Meera Shakti: Like it's under the skin inside or is it in the organ that's inside?

Veea: That's the thing cuz I'd argue its... like everything, like our bodies, the way our bodies are set up is that they're all in casings. So like....*sigh*

Bui:  *laughter* .Are we made of pockets? 

Veea: Because even like is my food going inside? Or is it just traveling through some-thing?

Bui: umm portal.

Meera Shakti: I immediately thought I had sadness, because I was thinking about… my immediate thought when you said portal was Arundhati Roy and her discussion, conversation around portals at the beginning of the pandemic and talking about that period of time, March 2020, April 2020, May 2020 as a portal - because everything stopped. Umm and it was awful that time, but it was also a moment in history. Probably the only moment in history that we'll ever experience where there was a sudden global change, you know, and it disrupted everything. And she was talking about this disruption being a portal into something else. And then I think of Bayo Akomolafe and I was listening to a talk of his recently and he was talking about how he feels like the portal is closing or has closed. And that things didn't change.

Bui: In response to Arundhati Roy or..?

Meera Shakti: I dunno if he was referencing her specifically. I don't know if other people were saying that. 

Bui: That's interesting. 

Veea: Again, you've blown me cuz I think the only thing I think about in terms of portals is the opening. I don't think I've ever thought about the closing and now I'm in panic. 

Meera Shakti: Oh my God, I'm so sorry. . 

Veea: No, but not in a bad way, but. No, it feels like bad, but I guess like arguably it could be good, like…?

Bui: It's a full moon. You've still got full moon energy. 

Veea: Yeah, like I never think, I think of portals as an opening. Like I've, I always say I'm waiting for a portal to open up and then a movement through, but I never think of the closing behind me or being closed into maybe another space. 

Meera Shakti: Do they have to close? 

Veea: Do they, that's the thing. 

Veea: Do they?

Bui: You said, you said something and I'm looking up the Bible.. Um ok so Genesis two says, "And the earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep and the spirit of God moved upon the earth upon the face of the waters" *Gentle gushy waves* my favorite bit of that is the word moved. Because yes, we've just discovered, yes, the Earth was a void. The earth was formless. The first thing that happened was not God saying let there be light. The first thing that happened is that Spirit moved and what word were we on?

Veea: Portal?

Meera Shakti: Portal.

Bui: I don't believe that creation came into existence because of a portal, but that's, I feel like the greatest example of… stories of portal openings.

Veea: What you said about movement um and obviously if we're thinking about, let's say space where there is no air there, there is movement, but like in terms of space is a thing as like nothing and everything at once. And like how movement would because of, because there's no movement, any movement would then make something….Which is a really simple -

Veea: Yeah. Like you are bound to, to create something if there's..

Meera Shakti: Nothing. 

Veea: Yeah. But then what spurs that movement? So it's kind of like that idea of like how we get, how we are where we are today. Right. It's someone amongst things or in an idea amongst things that just… decided to move and to be. And like you can't really tell where it came from and it's.. 

Bui: Children of immigrants, like you are, you are speaking about it on this very meta level, but like I'm inclined to ground it in humanity. 

Veea: No. Yes. Even like the first person who just, who was just like, okay, so we're on islands and there's oceans. I'm going to attempt to cross, I'm going to put a boat on that. But in itself was, is enough.

Bui: Silence. 

*Silence echo*

Meera Shakti: I think about the impossibility of silence. I don't think about silence. I think about like bodily sounds like your belly rumbling or like farting. You know, like Yeah. Those, the, the accidental like humans aren't very silent. Yeah. And like when you put your head on someone's belly, the noises are so intense and that's happening all the time.

Bui: Gosh. 

Veea: And I think about.. . I think I wrote this on one of the intro things I did for BFZ. The thinking about not thinking and like that cycle, like I'm sure we've all done it when we're like, I'm not gonna think right now, but you're thinking about something unless maybe a sound is happening. But then am I thinking about listening to the sound? Trying to, and I guess that's kind of what meditation is for, but like trying to get to this point where your mind is void of any inner voice... ish? 

Bui: I found legitimacy in my inner voice recently. Like um cause I remember I always used to pray in my, like, you know, when people would be like, you are praying in your head. It's not the same. I would find it more comfortable to pray in my head.

Veea: Do you know ? That's so funny you said that cuz I also feel like when, okay, when I was younger I was always confused by the idea of like, not saying, because I was just like, like in terms of in church or stuff. Cause I'm thinking I thought it and God is omnipotent.

Bui: Yeah. 

Veea: So they know what I've just like, do you know what I mean? So like, yeah, I haven't said it out loud or like cussed this person out. But the fact I've thought it, does that mean like mm-hmm. Yeah. Like, so what do I do now? All I can do is repent. *laughter* But like, so that idea of like the saying and the thinking but in terms of your own moral thing. I'm just like, oh, I thought it now. Am I a bad person? Cuz I thought it, but to you guys, I'm not. Cuz I didn't say it and you didn't know. 

Bui: That's one of my favorite things about getting older. I used to feel that. Like the way you describe, oh my God. It's like I'm having these horrible thoughts to me was..

Veea: Especially in church, like , I swear when I was younger, not super young obviously, but maybe when I was in like about like, hit puberty, step into church, start thinking about sex *laughter* the whole entire time. Like my mind was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sex. Yeah, yeah. Think about this. Yeah. Like generally probably I'm not even someone who thinks about sex that regularly, but yet when I stepped into that church, I said, oh, we're not meant to do this here. I got something for, 

*laughter*

Bui: Horn baby. 

Veea: Honestly. Yeah. So mad. 

Bui: Jeeez Jeeez Jeeez. 

Veea: But yes. 

Bui: Okay. And the last. Is heart.

*heart beating*

Veea: Do you know what's interesting is with you saying heart, it's made me realise how I've moved from feeling like a lot of me was here, in heart, but now it's all here. Like it's all… mind. I don't think I move with my heart as much as I used to. But I don't even think it's like a logical vs emotional thing. I just feel like a lot of things just sit in my cranium.

Meera Shakti: Do you think that's like since pandemic, or do you think it's-

Veea: I think it's a bit of a… I don't know. I think it's that idea of kind of always being on, like I feel like with my heart, like it rests sometimes, but I do expect my mind to always be on, so then I just stay in this space because like it's the most quote- unquote useful. But I also think because everything sense-wise at the moment, with screens and stuff, it's coming through my eyes and my ears. Everything is just always exposed to my head, so I feel like I just live here and I don't really live in my heart anymore.

Bui: I just took you in energetically, and I get what you mean about being in your head, but I don't think you've abandoned your heart but I understand the feeling of feeling like..uhh 

Meera Shakti: Also your heart hasn't abandoned you. 

Veea: Yeah. But that's the thing. I think it's kind of gotten into this ... hmm. I don't pay it enough attention.

Bui: Mm-hmm. 

Meera Shakti: I think about like a rhythm and then like arrhythmic and like pumping... And giving life.. And giving myself life in a way that's only for me.

Bui: mmm because it is that, isn't it? It is very much this,

Veea: it's the wildest battery I've ever known….! Even even those moments where it does the regular beat, like, I always think, aw, like, you good? Like something. Cause I always think of the fact like, maybe a cell got caught or something and it was just like, you know, it just all, and then it returns..

*laughter*

Bui: You good bro, you good?

Veea: And it's that idea of like, as much as we rely on it and as amazing as the system it is. It's still .. Like it's still imperfect. 

*mmhmmm*

Bui: looking at my friend's heart monitor in the hospital was interesting, cause like sometimes a thing will come off like, and then it will just be like a, it will go blank or it will stop beeping and me, the layman will freak out because I'm like, oh my God!  it's seeing, seeing it. Really that's, I think that's why I wanted to make that last one because I was like, yo, I've recently started to really deep my heartbeat

* HEART❤️ beat sound *

Bui: Sound is mercurial. We hear things and can offset a thousand fields, exploration into how, what we enjoy hearing as pleasure as audiobooks and podcasts have grown obscenely popular so much It's a meme and a stereotype. Being black, gay and disabled doesn't feel pleasurable a lot of the time, especially for so long the pursuit of pleasure alongside another person or persons was unheard of. These days we can openly talk about kink and the types of ways people will seek to satiate hedonist ideals. But it's usually at the cost of something. This world is being built with our humanness on the margin, so our pleasure would not have the chance to be considered. Right now, the world is a blaze and our healthcare system is in trouble.What noises are ticking us over? Among a groan, a breath, a giggle, a sigh, a scream.

 * faster HEART ❤️ beat sound *

Meera Shakti: Pluto Shits on the Universe by Fatimah Asghar

On February 7th, 1979, Pluto crossed over Neptune's orbit and became the eighth planet from the Sun for 20 years. A study in 1988 determined that Pluto's path of orbit could never be accurately predicted. Labelled as chaotic. Pluto was later discredited from planet status in 2006.

Today I broke your solar system. Oops, my bad. Your graph said I was supposed to make a nice little loop around the sun. Nah, I chaos like a motherfucker. Ain't no one can chart me. All the other planets, they think I'm annoying. They think I'm an escape moon running free. Fuck your moon, fuck your solar system.

Fuck your time. Your year, your year ain't shit but a day to me. I could spend your whole year turning the winds in my bed thinking about rings and how Jupiter should just pussy on up and marry me by now. Your day. That's an ass wipe. A sniffle. Your whole day is barely the start of my sunset. My name means hell, bitch, I am hell bitch. All the cold. You have yet to feel chaos like a motherfucker. And you tried to order me, called me ninth. Somewhere in the mess of graphs and math and compass. You tried to make me follow rules. Rules. Fuck your rules. Neptune, that bitch slow and I deserve all the sun I can get and all the blue gold sky I want around me.

It is February 7th, 1979 and my skin is more copper than any sky will ever be. More metal. Neptune is bitch sobbing in my rear view and I got my running shoes on and all this sky. That's all mine. , fuck your order. Fuck your time. I realigned the cosmos. I chaosed all the hell you have yet to feel. Now all your kids in the classrooms, they confused all their clocks wrong. They don't even know what the fuck to do. They gotta memorize new songs and shit, and the other planets. I fucked their orbits. I shook the sky. Chaos like a mother fucker. It is February 7th, 1979. The sky is blue gold. The freedom of possibility. Today. I broke your solar system. Oops, my bad.

*Waves Crashing*

Meera Shakti: My name is Meera Shakti Osborne. I'm the editor and curator of this work. I'm responsible for the shape this piece has taken. Part of the process of creating this work has been exploring ways to tell stories, make an archive that feels generative and inclusive. Everything you have heard is what the participant and myself have chosen to share with you. We welcome feedback and encourage you to visit duh.world to see the rest of the archive and to get in touch with us. 

This work has been funded by Arts Council England Project Grant. 

Thanks for listening.

*Waves Crashing*

*chewing, swallowing sound* 

Transcription by Sarah Maher

Audio Mixing and Mastering by Alex Sushon